Barley, Anyone?

The most popular saying that classifies how much food people eat is this one: some people live to eat, and some just eat to live. Well, if you’re living in my house you eat to live, or you just don’t eat.

Most of the guests that come to our house have enough sense to bring food with them. Their other two options consist of just making up excuses like, "Sorry. We’ve already got front row seats in the grass growing meet today." And the other option (they usually use this) is just committing suicide.

My friends' houses are filled with food. We’ll go over to the cupboard and it will burst open, burying us in mountains of it. Their fridge follows in the same suit. When opened, my cupboard (if I’m lucky) has maybe a wheat grain and some barley. Our fridge doesn’t even open anymore for lack of use.

When my parents finally go shopping, the food surplus they get lasts about nine-tenths of a second, because we are on the brink of drying up and wasting away, and we are back where we started. The only thing that we actaully have that doesn’t run out is the amount of jobs and work we have to do. It’s funny that it doesn’t decrease...

Normally when someone comes over, you say, "Are you hungry or thirsty?" I, unfortunatly, can’t. So I usually avoid it by pushing the visitor at 45 mph through the kitchen so they don’t know we have a kitchen, or I just come out and say, "We don’t have any food source in this whole entire house." To this they just nod and give me the fake smile that says ‘you're a blithering idiot.’

Now don’t take this the wrong way, and think that my house has absolutely nothing edible in it. We do have enormous amounts of black pepper and oregano, if you like to eat that straight out of the bottle. In the cupboards that still open without having to be pryed off, we have mountains of food you just can’t eat. My last resort, when weighing just a tad over eleven pounds, is going to this cupboard, which is about equal to stepping into a gas chamber with a breathe-right strip on your nose.

There are some good sides (ironically) to having no food in the house. The best reason is when that annoying person invites himself over and says through their taped glasses, "Got anything hip to munch?" And I can say (holding back a huge beaming smile), "I’m really sorry but we don’t," and then they leave because I’m too square for them. That’s when I break out the hidden stash of SALTED wheat grains and have a feast.

So if you happen to be coming over, please stop at the nearest market, and fast. Because here at the old Adams homestead, things are different that at normal houses. Oh, and by the way, raw wheat and barley lovers, no need to bring anything, really.